Two months ago, a yearling Humboldt penguin escaped from the Tokyo aquarium by scaling a 13-foot wall and squeezing through a barbed wire fence (h/t Týden). The animal, known only as Agent 337, was feared dead until yesterday, when it was spotted paddling away contentedly in Tokyo Bay.
Agent Han$en, our deep mole in NASA, reports that this seemingly impossible feat was due to the fact that excessive AGW-driven temperatures inside Agent 337’s egg had enhanced its intelligence, physical abilities and capacity for schadenfreude to a dangerous degree. NASA had therefore proposed, in a highly classified letter to the White House, that U.S. coal mining and oil drilling operations must be immediately curtailed until 337 is neutralized. Agent 86, our White House mole, reported that the Obama administration has proposed the Government of Japan (GOJ) the use of drones carrying Hellfire missiles to deal with 337, but the GOJ is reportedly concerned that such action might cause Greenpeace to redouble its activities against Japanese fishing fleets. Additionally, the GOJ expressed concerns that 337’s demonstrated abilities might mean that 337 must be reclassified as a fully sentient creature, or at least a trans-penguin (or “manguin”), with as-yet unclear legal implications if he/she/it is subjected to a kinetic military action without due process.